I worry. To be honest I worry about most things, I always have.
MS has given me a whole load of new worries, but it also has taken away a lot too. It’s taken away worries that consumed me once. The “Did I come across as stupid in the meeting today?” The “Did I upset them?” When someone didn’t text me back straight away. It’s strange but since my diagnosis, those kind of worries don’t bother me anymore. It’s a liberating feeling and I generally feel happier in my life. I hear you say “wait, what? You feel happier since being diagnosed with the monster that is MS?” You know what, I do. It has put things in perspective for me. I don’t worry about the little things anymore.
I do however worry about how my MS will progress, when will my next relapse be? What will my next relapse be? I could go on, but I won’t. I will let you in on my greatest worries, the ones that terrify me. I’m sure a lot of you will relate, whether that be because you suffer from MS or other physical conditions and to those who suffer from mental health issues. But I also want people unaffected by a chronic illness to know what your friends and family deal with sometimes.
I will give you a few examples. I was diagnosed in May 2018 and not long after went on a day out to the lakes. There were was around 20 of us going up including all the kids. It was a beautiful day and picnics had been made. I was terrified in case I was ill again and spoiled everyone’s day.
I experience the same panic every time I get invited somewhere. I worry that I will be tired and spoil everyone’s day. Or that I will relapse, or worse still, have an embarrassing relapse. What if I lose my vision? What if I can’t walk? What if I lose bladder control? These are all real and all encompassing fears. My worst nightmare would be my illness making my friends and families life more difficult, or spoil their fun. I want to be an active and fun part of their lives and not a hindrance.
Don’t get me wrong, I went to the lakes and nothing bad happened. At Christmas I went to London and nothing bad happened (I did need to go to bed early as I was so tired, but that was ok)
I won’t let my fears get the better of me and stop me living my life but that doesn’t mean I am not screaming in terror inside during the run up and during the trip. But I won’t be beaten!
My next goal is a holiday, even if it’s just a few nights away somewhere. To prove to myself I can do it.